How To Dress Up Like A Granola For Halloween
With pumpkin spice lattes and candles haunting every brick-and-mortar business, it is time—maybe even too late seeing as many shops have jumped the gun with their Christmas decor—to start brainstorming ideas for a Halloween costume. It has to be witty and fun, but nothing too ambitious. Who ever goes the extra mile to pull off an elaborate costume? You are too old for Halloween now anyway, something nonchalant and easy to scramble should do.
You open your closet to sift through your options but find nothing inspiring. Your shelves are overcrowded with Patagonia sweaters, patterned wool socks are poking out of the drawers, and the hangers hold only Arc’teryx rain jackets. Ding, a lightbulb goes off. You could dress up like the outdoors-y or “Granola” stereotype! It is comical, effortless with your closet, and clever because it would be ironic. It’s lowkey problematic how flat it makes Pacific Northwesters seem, but it’d be the perfect conversation starter for a Halloweekend party.
When the night of the party rolls up, you put on your Fjallraven hiking pants and a fleece sweater. The devil’s in the details so it’s time to accessorize. You look around for the carabiners you ordered from Amazon and attach your key to your pants’ belt loop but the singular apartment key on the chain looks a bit off. If only you had a Subaru instead of a Tesla! Now, headbands or earmuffs? Let’s go with the ones you found at that up-scale farmers’ market. You got an ad for an identical pair from SHEIN the other day, but you were shopping local and sustainable, right? The new canvas tote bag by your dresser still has a tag from when you bought it at the new specialty cafe on your block. You could add a few “hug a tree” pins and patches to it, or you could go with your Cotopaxi shoulder bag. Hmm, which one’s more Granola though? Your Nalgene water bottle peeks out of the shoulder bag so that one’s perfect!
Before you put on your Blundstones and leave, you run back to grab the point-and-shoot camera you bought from that minimalist vintage store. The photos come out just so retro, definitely worth the $19 to develop the film and the extra weight when you go backpacking, even if the pictures come out too grainy to see any of the landscape.
On the elevator ride to the parking, you assess the full outfit one more time in the mirror, smiling proudly. Kudos to you for coming up with a costume without any unnecessary shopping. You could have bought a Granola bar and taken the Jim Halpert way out, but you didn’t even squander money for that. Nowadays, Halloween just encourages overconsumption, like the holidays that come after it. Don’t even start with the additives and ultra-processed ingredients in Halloween candies. Sure, not everyone can make their own granola like you but there’s a Whole Foods everywhere now, so why won’t people buy more organic, natural products?
Anyway, it’s nice to be away from your standing desk and kicking off a Friday night with a little social gathering. You will spend the rest of the weekend in the wild and finally get some peace with no one around before another miserable week of consulting begins. This time of the year is always nice since the weather’s too cold for outdoor wannabes and everyone else is busy with haunted houses and the festivities.
Multiple people at the party have dressed up as Carmen Berzatto from The Bear as you predicted and like clockwork, a group of friends are different Scooby Doo characters. You grab a drink and start chatting to the “tennis players,” who turn out to be Tashi, Patrick and Art from Challengers.
“Yeah, I’m dressed like the stereotypical Granola. I actually would say I’m pretty Granola in real life, but nothing like this. We aren’t all vegans who live in a van, you know. The outdoor community is pretty diverse. You guys should start going to a climbing gym, that’s where I take all my dates. I’m hoping for a mild winter again this year so I can get a few more bouldering trips under my belt.”
Uh oh, you’ve laid the ground for a global warming joke. The conversation turns when someone asks you for thoughts on the Prince Rupert Gas Transmission Construction. Always in character, you say “Oh, I’m not really into politics.”
