Who’s your worst canoe partner?
I found myself glancing over a web forum the other night on myccr.com that had members labeling and listing paddling partners that had “quirks and oddities” they displayed that drove them crazy on trip. It was hilarious, and I thought I’d share a few of my favorite:
Disappearing Dave – No where to be found when dishes need done, fish need cleaned etc.. Magically reappears seconds after chores are done.
Photography Pete – We all love pictures, but photography Pete brings SLR + backup, 30 lbs of lenses and accessories, and will be busy getting a picture of a yellow billed Canadian prairie chicken instead of paddling. And then his pictures are better than yours and you have to humble yourself and ask for copies.
Tired Tom – You’ve made breakfast and packed everything but the tent and his sleeping bag by the time he rolls out at 10am.
Forgetful Fred – You’re bringing the stove, right Fred? You end up cooking over campfires. You always bring the really important items when going with this person.
Lonnie the lollygagger – You tell Lonnie to meet at your house at 10 to leave. You tell everyone else 10:30, and he’s still the last one to roll in. Oh yeah, he needs to stop on the way and “get a couple things”.
Charlie cheapskate – You get this, and we’ll settle up later, right? Or, Oh yeah, you drove, gassed up and it’s your canoe, but I bought Tim Horton’s on the way up! You think back to him grimacing when you got a large coffee instead of a medium.
Boris bullshit – The guy who comes on the trip based solely on his professed years of backcountry experience and expertise. Only too late will you discover that his years of backcountry experience all took place 30 years ago in camp Sog-Ghee-Can-Vas, and that he is expert only in exaggeration.
Talkative Tessie — Tessie has never heard a bird sing, the breeze in the treetops or a distant loon call; mostly because Tessie has never stopped talking. Tessie can spend 45 minutes blathering on and on about some minutia in her life — a brake job on her car, her redecoration plans, her annoying coworkers (just imagine how they feel). The urge to whack Tessie in the head with your paddle is almost overwhelming.
Willie watch-your-watch – the guy that insists that we be off the water by a specific time to make camp at an inferior site when one good rapid and three good sites are coming up in a km or so. Glances repeatedly at his watch while we play in rapids to ensure we stay on schedule. Closely related to Got-to-get-back Gus.
Gus got-to-get-back – Says he can make the 3 day trip but then when he shows up he mentions about and hour into the trip that he has to be back early the last day forcing the rest of the trip to be rushed.
Soggy Sam – The guy with the tent that leaks and has inadequate rain gear; this wouldn’t seem as bad if he hadn’t shown up on the last trip with the same collection of cheap, crappy or poorly maintained gear. Usually found in camp holding a pair of charred socks (his only pair) over the fire on a stick.
And his obverse –
Ted trustfund – Ted has the best of everything: carbon fiber-Kevlar canoe, graphite paddle, four-season tent that cost more than my car. And he doesn’t mind telling you about it – in detail, and in comparison to your gear. Including (especially) the cost. Repeatedly,
Loud-laugh Lenny, who is always in the next site across the lake, and who can’t discuss any topic without braying his irritating laugh like a donkey so that everyone on the lake can hear…………..
Mr. Big fire – He insists on having a roaring fire with the wood left behind on a site.
Buck naked Ned – Alienates all other trippers on the route by being au natural as much as possible. Blissfully unaware of double entendres such as “Want some sausage on your bagels?” He says while wearing nothing but a hat?
Mid-life-crisis-Monty who, at about age 50, purchases a complete canoeing outfit (top quality only) from scratch with plans of reliving his forefathers wilderness life and rediscovering his youth. Uses it once. Sells.
Burn-it-all Bob? This is the guy who loves a raging fire and towards the end of the evening throws on ALL the wood you scavenged so there is not so much as a stick left for the morning fire. Of course this means that someone has to head out into the bush first thing, through dew laden undergrowth to find enough wood to have a decent cup of coffee!
Bugged out Betty freaks at any insects around and constantly whines about bites…like we all need to be reminded that we are getting eaten alive!
Missinabi Mike who took a canoe trip 20 years ago that became the standard by which every subsequent trip is unfavorably compared to. Can be recognized by such phrases as “It’s nice, but when I was on the Missinabi…”, and “This (rain/bugs/portage) is nothing. When I was on the Missinabi…”
Charles in-charge – Charlie has never met a trip he couldn’t, or in his mind shouldn’t, be the boss of. It doesn’t matter who organized the trip, or who his companions are, or how experienced others in the party may be, Charles naturally assumes that he will naturally assume the position of leader.
The list is endless. Feel free to add some of your own to the list.
